Left Behind
by secretkeeper0024
Summary: Sara breaks up with Ava to protect her. Complete.


Left Behind

"Ava, thank you, without your help, we never would have gotten back" sighed Sara, exhausted, she leaned heavily on the Control panel of the Waverider. The crew had dispersed quietly, shaken by the very real danger that some of them nearly had not made it back with their lives.

'I'm sure you would have found your way back, Sara, you always do. But glad we could help," replied Ava, employing her professional Bureau tone, her hand habitually checking the waistcoat button on her Bureau blazer. Ava turned prepared to open a portal back to her office, there was post mission paperwork to be done and, well, no time like the present.

"Drink?" invited Sara, cocking her head and raising an eyebrow. She knew Ava's walls had gone back up since they had broken up, things were as tense between them now as they had ever been. She still cared about Ava, more than she liked to admit, but she had been hoping they could at least be friends. But as the weeks drew on, Ava had shown no interest in anything beyond a professional connection".

"Paperwork," returned Ava, without conviction, drawing her lips into a flat line and stepping forward toward the space where a portal was about to open.

"Oh come on, Ava, when are you going to forgive me? We didn't work out, I'm sorry, What do you want me to do?" Sara said exasperated.

"You wanted my help on this mission, I gave it. That's it, Sara, that's all you get from me."

"Your never going to get past it?"

"Are you past it, Sara?"

"Well, not entirely, but I'm trying, Ava"

"Trying what, Sara, to blot out what we were to each other? As though we never existed? Well, I can't do that, I don't want to do that. I can't just hang out and be your drinking pal, because everyone else has gone to bed. I've been hurt, Sara, by you. You broke my heart. I have no desire to hang out, in fact, I have no desire. None. I go to work because I can, that's all I have right now."

"So what? You're just going to make things awkward, forever, because we broke up?"

"It's not my job to make you feel better. I have my hands full making myself feel better."

"I needed your help tonight. I couldn't leave without Nate, I wouldn't. I'd never leave someone behind, Ava, you know that."

"No, I don't know that, Sara, since you left me behind." Ava turned away, opened the portal and almost ran through it.

Sara stared after her, she was outraged - how dare Ava suggest that Sara would leave a team member behind. Sara stomped up the small set of stairs behind her into the office area and reached for whiskey. She ripped the stopper out of the decanter, poured two messy shots and then drank directly from the decanter itself. It was a large heavy glass bottle and needed two hands to hold it, she held it not very steadily and drank deeply from the vessel.

She was pissed, she dragged her forearm across her mouth and set the decanter down heavily. She replaced the stopped and slapped it deep down into the spout with a flat hand. "How fucking dare she…" It wasn't true. It wasn't. Sara wrapped her arms around her waist and stormed up and down the length of the office, raging. She felt like hurling furniture but she knew that it would not help. The anger would pass, if she could just hold on.

She hurled a shot of whiskey down her throat as a substitute for flinging the desk across the room, and place the glass down hard rather than tossing at the wall. Why had what Ava said made her so mad, particularly if it wasn't true? Mick had suggested leaving Nate behind when it appeared the team had run out of possible solutions - but Sara had never considered it.

She had no problem calling the Bureau for back up when it came down to it - nothing was to humbling for Sara when it came to never leaving anyone behind. She tossed back the second shot as though to confirm her conclusion that she, Sara, would never leave anyone behind! Never had, never would.

What had Ava meant by suggesting Sara had left her behind? Surely she was just saying that to provoke Sara? It was such an obvious distortion of the truth. Wasn't it? Ava had looked so broken the moment before she fled through the portal. Perhaps she felt left behind because she was having trouble moving forward? That must be what she had meant?

Sara felt the rage passing away, she was still pissed, not at Ava necessarily but at the suggestion. It had really pricked at her pride or something. Sara headed back down the stairs and toward the bathroom where she used the facilities and washed her hands and face and tied her hair back into a ponytail. She eyed herself closely while she brushed her teeth, probably harder than was necessary. Leave one of her team behind - the thought was ludicrous. But why was it bugging her so much?

Sara headed to her room, she stripped off and hopped into bed, pulling the sheet up under her chin. Tsk. The bottom sheet was all crinkled and was going to annoy her, so she jumped up and straightened the linen, tucking it tightly under the mattress, she flipped the pillow over and lay down again.

Uggh this ship could be so noisy at times, "Gideon, what's all the racket?".

"The ship is silent, Captain. If you are having trouble resting, may I suggest some white noise? Would you like me to apply it to your room, Captain?"

"Yes please, Gideon," said Sara tersley, pounding her pillow into submission and flipping over. Why would she say that, leaving someone behind? Sara took several deep breaths trying to clear her mind, breathing in, holding it, letting it stream out through her mouth. It wasn't working. She kicked off the top sheet ferociously and tried again but found herself taking a roll call of all the members of the team and trying to identify moments that could be misconstrued as her having left someone behind.

Sara squeezed her eyes shut in order to eliminate her thoughts, she shook her head to try to keep them from filtering back in. After several moments, Sara remembered another strategy she sometimes employed when trying to get to sleep, she rolled over onto her stomach and reached her hand down between her legs. She started lazily with her index finger as her mind shuffled through some of her favourite fantasies.

Having eliminated all fantasies that involved Ava, Sara tried to get into a few old favourites but nothing was really taking her fancy. Several times she had to shake her head and redirect her thoughts. Finally, in desperation, she decided to try one featuring Ava, she rolled onto her back and bent one knee. With her free hand she cupped her breast and gave it a gentle squeeze, she rolled her nipple between her forefinger and thumb and ran a flat hand along her chest.

A second finger from her other hand joined the first, she circled her clit rhythmically. Sara took a deep breath as thoughts and images of Ava flooded her mind, a sense of longing washed over her, it didn't disturb her however. Sara created a mental montage of moments with Ava, she really was so very beautiful. And sexy - wow. The way they were together was really special, it was caring and carefree, it was gentle but really fucking hot at the same time.

Sara's fingers picked up pace and her heart rate climbed to match it, a sheen appeared on Sara's skin and a pink glow spread across her chest. Sara tightened her abs and let her hips thrust subtly away from the bed and toward the imaginary figure lying between her legs. Sara remembered a time when Ava had gone down on her and she had experienced a particularly powerful orgasm. Ava had brought her down, gently kissing her thighs, and their eyes had connected over Sara's heaving stomach. In that moment Ava's bright clear blue grey eyes had peered into Sara's soul through her own dazed bright blue irises - their hands had reached out for each other and fingers interlaced.

That had been an amazing moment between them and they had felt especially bonded after that. Sara sighed in remembrance of it. She pushed away at the emotional aspects of the moment and replayed the sexual features several times as she steered herself through a fairly ordinary orgasm. She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. What can you do, she asked herself? The original does not compare. Sara rolled over and willed herself to stop thinking and to finally drifted into sleep.

"Sara! Sara!" Nate's voice was calling out for her. Sara could hear him, but she could not see him. It was still so dark, "Nate?" she called out for him, held her breath and listened for his voice - it never came. Sara sat suddenly up in bed and looked around - where, where was Nate? She wiped the sweat from her forehead and noted she was breathing through her mouth.

"Captain, you were dreaming." Gideon's voice came filtering quietly into her room.

"Thank you, Gideon." Sara sighed in relief and fell back onto her pillow. Then propping herself up onto one elbow, she asked, "Nate _is_ on the ship right?" just to be sure.

"Yes, Captain Lance, Dr Heywood is in his quarters."

Reality had become warped by fear. Ava's comment had really struck a nerve, it had occupied her thoughts and was now playing itself out in her dreams. Dreams that had become dark unpleasant nightmares. She was alone and had been desperately searching but unable to find Nate. Sara checked her watch - she had had three hours of restless sleep.

Perhaps if she got up now, early as it was, and worked out, she would be tired enough to sleep well tonight. Sara rolled out of bed and pulled on some gym clothes, she suspected that the shirt was not a clean one - well hell, she wasn't exactly clean herself. She did a full work out; cardio, weights, boxing, salmon ladder and when she finally peeled herself up off the mat she was finally ready to hit the shower.

It was the first time she had allowed herself to think back on her conversation with Ava from the night before. "_I'd never leave someone behind, Ava, you know that." "No, I don't know that, Sara, since you left me behind." _

It was such an odd, ill fitting expression for Ava to have used, Sara had broken up with her not left her behind. Of all the things Ava could have legitimately accused Sara, that was not one, Sara had never left anyone behind. Had Ava used that phrase because she knew it was the one thing Sara prided herself on? And why was it bugging Sara so much? If it wasn't true, why could she not simply chalk it up to a mistake?

In any case, it appeared that being friends with Ava was not on the agenda, certainly not any time soon. That did not sit well with Sara, either. She had ended the romance with Ava because she didn't care for her - indeed it is because she loves Ava that she wants to spare her from the pain that she will inevitably incur from being close to Sara. She wiped the fog from the mirror and looked at her reflection, why could Ava not see that, not understand that?

Sara dressed carefully, with purpose. Although it was still early, she was convinced that Ava would be at her desk, and she was determined to try once again to get Ava to understand and hopefully forgive her. Sara had Gideon replicate several serves of french toast which she knew was Ava's favourite and rather than use the time courier, which she was sure would piss Ava off, Sara took the jump ship and headed for the Time Bureau's Head Office in Washington.

Ava had been startled by the early morning knock on her office door, and despite having hailed the visitor she was still clearly out of sorts. Sara came through the door backwards carrying fresh coffee and french toast, she kicked the door closed softly with her boot. Ava had only time to check her watch and stand before she realised that her intruder was Sara, annoyed, Ava began to gather her hair and twist it into a knot behind her head.

Sara placed her peace offering on Ava's desk and called what hoped sounded like a cheery good morning. "What are you doing here, Sara? And what's this?" Ava replied stonily, indicated the food. Sara grabbed her coffee and took a seat opposite Ava, she noted that the Director looked tired and pale, and decidedly not happy to see her.

"Gideon sends her compliments, she misses you" Sara crossed one leg over the other and offered a small smile.

"What are you doing here, Sara?" Ava folded her arms and looked down at Sara, one eyebrow raised, waiting on an explanation. She was not going to make this easy on Sara, whether she was here for professional or personal reasons. And she was certainly not having any coffee and was that french toast she could smell? Gideon's french toast, no less. Shame.

"I bought breakfast. Come on, have coffee with me. Please?"

"I'm not screwing around, Sara, this is the third time I'm asking, why are you here?"

"I want to talk. About last night."

"I'm at work, Sara."

"I know. But I need to know - why did you say that I leave people behind, that I left you behind?"

"Because you did. I wouldn't have said anything last night, if you hadn't have forced the point and I have nothing to say now. Why do you care what I think any way?" Ava reluctantly pulled forward her seat, with one foot, and sat forward on the edge.

"What? I didn't leave you behind. We broke up!"

"No, _we_ didn't do anything. You got scared and ran, Sara."

"I didn't get scared, Ava, I was protecting you, I _am_ protecting you."

"Yeah, I get it, Sara, but your math is a little off. Definitely breaking my heart now to protect me from a potential broken heart later, equals a broken heart, jerk."

"I'm sorry, Ava, I don't know what you want me to do."

"I have a list of things I would like you to do." Ava seemed to suddenly recall herself, she checked her hair and ran her hands down the front of her shirt, checking for wrinkles. "But given the circumstances, you can stop expecting me to pretend, like you do, that everything is fine. That we are all a couple of whiskeys away from euphoria. Or in this case, coffee and french toast"

"A list?"

"It's a moot point, Sara. So, last night I said something you didn't like, and now you here, what? For an apology?"

"No! It bothered me that you think I left you behind. It _really_ bothers me. Because it's not true. I am here, Ava, I'm still here, I'm just trying to do the right thing."

"Here's the thing, you can't have it both ways, Sara" Ava stood up, clearly becoming agitated. "You can't force me to talk and then complain that I've said the wrong thing. You can't leave me and expect me to be fine. Which is it, Sara? Are you here or are you there? Are you protecting me or are you hurting me? Because, honestly, right now..." Ava placed her balled up fists on the desk and leaned over them, blinking back the tears. She was struggling for composure and drawing short sharp breaths.

Sara stood up and started around the desk to Ava's side. Ava put up a stop sign with her hand and Sara froze. "No, Lance, you don't want to hurt me? You failed. This is what hurt looks like. It fucking sucks, but it'll pass. I don't need you to pat me on the back and tell me it will be ok, I can do that myself." Ava tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear but left her tears where they had fallen she gave Sara a hard look that made Sara swallow down a few lumps.

Ava spoke again, less harshly this time, "Unless you want to put your big girl pants on and admit that you made a mistake, unless you articulate that you would rather we fought this thing out together, that you want me…"

"I do" The words were out of Sara's mouth before her brain had registered the speech option. Ava's eyes did not leave Sara's face, but one eyebrow slowly rose. Sara understood that Ava needed to hear something real from her but she was struggling to form words, so she decided to use Ava's.

"I would much rather we fought this thing out together. I do want you. I didn't realise until now that my mistake was to push you away when I needed you and protecting you is protecting us. And that I did leave you behind and that must have hurt you like hell, because it hurt me too."

"So you're in?" Ava asked, she was touched by Sara's words but she was still stonewalling until she was certain that they were both on the same page.

Sara felt for the first time that her big girl pants were finally on. She could intimidate, smart mouth and fight like the best of them, but having had the courage to embrace this new level of vulnerability, (which incidentally hurt less than she had expected), appeared to have given rise to a new level of maturity. "I'm in, if you will forgive me and take me back?".

"I forgive you, Sara," she reached around the side of the table and took Sara's hand, Sara immediately laced her fingers between Ava's and let out a long steady breath. She noticed Ava eyeing off the french toast and smiling she pushed the sweet treat along the table. "First things first" said Ava, she slid her hand up Sara's arm, under her hair to her neck, she tilted her head back. Stepping forward, she kissed her lips softly, several times and then wrapped both arms around her, pulling her close and whispered "Welcome home" in her ear.


End file.
